Brave
7th October 2020
Brave
I’ve been thinking about bravery. What does it actually mean to be
brave? It feels like I am supposed to be brave yet most of the time I
don’t feel like I have a brave bone in my body at all. Scared, angry, tearful,
loving, grieving, apprehensive, joyful, anxious, hoping, in denial… but not
brave. But today I wondered if what being brave really is, is staring at the
thing you desperately don’t want to do, and knowing that you just have to do
it. Taking a deep breath, peeing your pants a little bit because you are so
terrified, but leaping into the canyon anyway. Trusting that prayers, hope,
friendship, expertise, patience, love and hard work will be enough to carry you.
I’m wondering if brave is what we become when we have accepted the truth and
the reality of our situation but we also try to let ourselves hope wildly for
the best. (Julia Baird describes this idea of the Stockdale Paradox about a
thousand times better than I could hope to, in her book Phosphorescence
so if you liked that idea you should read that).
I read these words from Krystal, AKA @bagladymama on
Instagram, describing her experience of living with chronic bowel disease:
“You will
hear it from healthy people all the time... "I don't know how you do it, I
would have given up!" That's it though isn't it?! What choice is there? We
are fighters, we are warriors…”
I’ve noticed people will often tell you are brave, or
amazing, or something else that is the farthest thing from what you feel, when
you experience some kind of cosmically shit adversity in your life. Which is
very kind of them. But what she says is the truth: “What choice is there?” When
everything falls apart, we do the only thing we can. Keep moving. Keep breathing.
Keep clinging onto the ones we love. Keep making the toast, and changing the
nappies, and replying to the texts. Keep surviving by putting one foot in front
of the other. It doesn’t feel amazing. You’re not trying to impress anyone with
your super-woman-abilities. You’re surviving.
I decided today that I would believe in my own bravery. That
even though I feel afraid, and I’d turn and run if I could, I’ll tell myself I
can.
(In the spirit of bravery I’ll go ahead and tell you unashamedly
that one of my theme songs for being brave is “I Believe” by Demi Lovato and DJ
Khaled and sometimes I sing it to myself: “I can, I can, I will, will… I am, I
am, No fear, No fear…” Promise it works.)
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