Things I wish you knew when I tell you this news
I want to preface this by saying that this is what is true
for me, right now. Maybe in time I will revise this; add to or subtract from
it. Everyone’s experience is their own. What feels hard and hurtful to me might
not be for another person. This isn’t meant to be a hard and fast, do and don’t
list. It’s what I have learned from conversations and interactions. Things I
wish I had not said or that I had been brave enough to say. If you said one of these
things, it’s not a dig; it’s okay. I still love you. I probably would have said
it too. We don’t know what we don’t know. We learn as we live.
Things I wish people would know when I have to tell them
I have cancer:
1.
I don’t need to know how you feel. You might be
sad. You might be angry. But your feelings belong to you. They don’t even come
close to mine. I don’t have the emotional energy to help you deal with your
feelings.
2.
I still want your good news, your normal life
chats. I need to feel like I am an equal, valued partner in this friendship.
3.
Likewise, I genuinely still care about other people’s
problems. I probably won’t cry with you if you tell me your hairdresser cut your
hair two centimetres too short… but if your toddler won’t sleep? Your job is
shit right now? Your mental health is struggling? I’m here for that. I want to know.
I want to support you and I want to listen.
Questions like, “what stage is it?” or “Did they find it early?” are incredibly personal and nosey and, honestly, downright rude. You sound like you want me to reassure you and that isn’t my job. Maybe the answer isn’t what you want to hear, or what I want to say. Let’s just not go there.
5.
I don’t necessarily want to talk about it. I spend
enough time thinking about it even when I don’t want to. If I’m spending time with
you, chances are I’d rather be distracted. There are a lot of questions, and
not a lot of answers.
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