Lipstick/Armour

 

Lipstick/Armour

 

What I have learned from this happening to me is that you cannot judge. I am so aware, when I go into town, to the supermarket, try to live my life normally, interact with strangers in a queue… they have no idea. When people are a bit shit to you, impatient or whatever, that lady who gave me dirty look because she thought I should have given way to her…. It is so tempting to tell them, as a kind of punishment, because you know how bad they would feel.  I am pretty sure that right now no one would ever look at me and think, “she is a cancer patient”. You could not possibly tell. And that makes me so aware of what I could not possibly know about other people. I mean obviously I already knew this. We all do. “You can’t judge. Be kind”. But now I understand the truth of that on another level. Many times a day I am tempted. By a face that’s less than friendly. By a dubious clothing choice. By an impatient gesture. But I am learning to check myself. I remind myself of the difference between the story my outward body tells and the truth of my insides. I remember that sometimes my best defence, my armour to get through the day, is straightened hair, and eyebrow pencil. Lips painted on and a dress to wear. People who know say, “You look so good!” Maybe I think by looking and feeling put together I am somehow giving the middle finger to this crappy circumstance and to the idea that I am supposed to fall apart. (I do fall apart, that’s why I don’t usually wear mascara). Now when I see women who look incredible, so beautiful, part of me wonders, “What part of herself is she protecting?”